Movie Roles I Do Not Envy

Let’s face it, everyone has had the experience of watching a character endure an especially gruesome death in a movie and think:

I would hate to be that guy…” 

Here is my list – it is far from complete, so I encourage anyone to share their favorites in the Comments section.

The lawyer and Newman in Jurassic Park

Who can forget the first time they saw Jurassic Park!? The dinosaurs, the visual effects…the carnage.  T-Rex’s first cameo was one for the ages, not only for its awe-inspiring screen presence but also because of the hilarity surrounding its first kill.  Gennaro (the lawyer) memorably could not mind his bladder and had to make an emergency trip to the bathroom.  Little did he realize that T-Rexes are rude and don’t care if you’re in the middle of finishing your biz.

The next dino-kill was just as great:  Dennis Nedry (better known as Newman from Seinfeld) was Jurassic Park’s head computer programmer and a serious putz; he also happened to be in the business of dealing dinosaur embryos on the side, NBD.  The latter of these pursuits got him killed by a carnivorous, poison-spewing Dilophosaurus, which he mistook for being “a nice boy.”  It happens.

Sean Bean in well, EVERYTHING

The guy just cannot seem to stay alive for the credits.

In Patriot Games, he was an IRA separatist (impaled by a boat anchor at the hands of Harrison Ford).  In GoldenEye, he was a rogue MI6 agent (dropped off an antenna platform 500 feet above the ground by Pierce Brosnan).  In LOTR  1, he was the only member of the Fellowship who tried to take the Ring from Frodo (shot to death medieval style by the leader of the Uruk-Hai).  In The Island, he was the owner of a biotech company that cloned humans for the purpose of harvesting organs (shot through the throat by a clone with a grapple gun).  You get the point.

“Jackie Boy” in Sin City

Talk about a rough day.  First, he shows up at Shellie’s place expecting her to set up a “fun” night for him and his posse, only to be given the nastiest swirly in a toilet full of his own pee.  Later on, he makes the mistake of threatening a prostitute and gets his left hand cut off by a ninja star, slips and lands on said ninja star, and finally gets decapitated.  It’s not over there, though; to cap off a truly terrible day, his head was filled with an explosive and blown up.

Soldier on the beach in Saving Private Ryan

Yes, there were a lot of those – but you know the one I’m talking about:  the guy whose guts are laying OUTSIDE of his body, screaming for his mother.  I can’t bring myself to make any jokes about this; the moment was brief, but it has always disturbed me.  And to think, the first time I saw that movie was in the 9th grade (World History class).  Gotta love public schools.

Rappers in horror-ible movies

See what I did there..?  Ok, so maybe not ALL of the rappers below ended up dying in their movies, but I still thought I was going to die from the God-awful acting in all of them.  Fear Factor should have a challenge where the contestants must watch all these movies in-a-row.  Nobody would win that day.

LL Cool J in Halloween H20   Ice-T in Leprechaun: In the Hood

Redman in Seed of Horror    Xzibit in The X-Files:  I Want to Believe

Snoop Dogg in Bones            Busta Rhymes in Halloween: Resurrrection

’nuff said. MP.

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One thought on “Movie Roles I Do Not Envy

  1. LizP says:

    Wait, you didn’t add Sean Benn was beheaded at the end of the first season of Game of Thrones…not a movie, but still…he never makes it!

    How about one of the spies dying via pen/kitchen appliance attack by Matt Damon in one of the Bourne Movies? Those fight scenes are pretty epic.

    What about the drug lord dying in Man on Fire via an explosive up his rump after having his fingers cut off one by one?

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